Anybody Out There??!

Does anybody feel the way I feel right now?  I have never felt so much pain until tonight.  The words I heard tonight felt like someone took a butcher knife and stabbed me endlessly in the chest.  What's left??  Sheer existance... the love is gone, the respect is gone...what's left??  I feel like someone stripped away my clothing and then stripped away even my skin.   I feel like I've been stripped naked and now I'm being looked at with such disgrace... such hatred... such disgust... is imperfection punishable? 
Consider me officially punished.

Rescue

Loneliness is the saddest feeling.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I miss the days when everything was so much simpler.  I miss being around all the people that love me.  I fee like right now I'm not around anyone that loves me.  I'm surrounded by hate and bitterness, and it makes my heart ache.  I feel like I'm being attacked, but I have no idea why.  Some people are just so bitter.  And the sad part about it is that the bitterness is so deeply ingrained that they can't even notice it.  Loneliness... its that feeling when you just wish there was somebody that came up behind you in your deepest darkest moment and hugged u tight and whispered in your ear, "Everythings gonna be alright."

Worn Out!

Today it became clear to me what I somewhat already knew:  that I'm a very cheerful, playful person.  Being around people who are serious and bitter is not a good match for me.  I hate feeling restricted from everything I want to do, big or small.  Why do I have to have a strategy for carrying out the simplest things?  The very things that interest me and excite me, are nothing but irritating to others, like a gnat in the eyes.  Don't do this, don't do that, don't say this, don't say that... I feel so restricted, like I'm a teenager all over again!  Turn the lights off! Don't take a bath, take a shower!  Why is the milk running out too fast?!  Constant fussing!  Simple topics of conversation: Back in my high school days...Don't talk about it!  All these rules!  And just like a 17 year old, there's not very much I can do about anything.  I don't even have a car!  It seems like the times that I laugh the most are when I'm playing with my kids.  Help!

My Life

My Life

© Lil Mafia

The things I've seen will scar me for life,
growing up I seen wrong and very little of right,
I hear a sad song and tears roll down my face,
I look in the mirror and feel so out of place,
I don't want to become something larger than life,
I want to become something real and so right,
do they understand am I understood,
can life be better I wish that it could, 
before I make a decision I always think twice,
they say what can I do to help you feel better 
I say nothing because this is my life.

The Game

The Game

© Susan Christensen

Let me tell you about a game I play
Where I close my eyes and fade away

I float away to a special place
Beyond the stars and moon and space

In this special place you see
There are only two people - just you and me

In this place, all is right
Nothing but love, and we never fight

In this place, there is no sadness
No cells, no courts, none of that madness

No rules to follow, no laws to break
No bars to hold us or separate

No one to tell us we can't kiss or touch
I don't just tell you "I love you" - I show you how much

But eventually the game must end
My eyes must open, and reality sets in

But someday soon - I'm not sure when
I will close my eyes and play my game again.

Whats Next?

People keep asking me what my plan is.  The truth is, I don't have a plan.  How do you plan for everything to fall apart?  I miss him.  I wish he could just change.  Become nice, do all that a man is supposed to do...treat a woman like a queen, not worst than a dog.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  When I try to think about it, first I get excited, then I get frustrated.  Its the same cycle over and over again.  Whats next?

In Too Deep

How do people become so mean?  What makes them so hateful?  Why is it that right when everything is going so well, thats when everything comes crashing down?  I am so unbelievably lonely.  I miss my family, I wish I had friends to hang out with.  Now its just me.  The one best friend I had completely betrayed me.  He was supposed to be my protector, not my assaulter.  How could he just let me down like this?  I really loved him.  Now I'm just afraid.  Afraid of him.  Afraid of seeing him.  Afraid of talking to him.  His loss, not mine, right?